What I miss about Martha

Being that we live 2000 km from my mom, Martha Theissen often was the local mother presence I needed and grandma to my girls. At her funeral I learned I wasn't the only one that felt that way. Martha was amazing and I took her for granted.

Here is what I loved about Martha.

- She started the little blessings nursery when my 2 year old twins needed a place to be during the church service
- She encouraged me to think of healthy snacks for my kids
- She always seemed to find the best items and deals at MCC
- She came with me to BC on a road trip so that I wouldn't have to do it alone
- She often brought gifts for the girls, even when it wasn't a special occasion
- She started the prayer meeting we have on Tuesdays
- She let my children have play dates and sleep overs at her house
- She was a good companion
- She was a good listener
- She made good soup
- She took the girls for walks around her pond and was especially concerned about their safety
- She was so patient with my girls
- She took time to read with my girls
- Her love for her Abba was very evident

Miss you Martha!

If you knew her too feel free to add to the list.

The End .... for Now

When I asked Peter to write for my blog I don't think I knew what I was asking. But I asked him and he said yes and I was pleased. I think I was asking bigger things of him than I knew or he has admitted to.
Peter said in his intro that if you wanted to know why I asked him to do this you'd have to ask me, well since no one asked me I'm going to have to just tell you myself. I picked Peter because he was open with his life and I knew some of his story, I knew that Carol had died of cancer and left this earth way too young (in our earthly thinking) which was the way it was with my friend Martha Thiessen this past February, a few weeks with cancer and then she was gone, to soon it seems. I saw Peter had something to offer us in sharing with us his experience. I know that there was a link in my mind in asking Peter to share with us his journey in Carol's death and trying to understand, in the small ways we can, what Jake has lost in his wifes' death. It was for all of us to have a window into how God works in these times. I also asked Peter because I wanted us to know better how to walk with people who experience this, and to be challenged by his life lessons. After reading your sorry Peter I feel humbled that you said yes, I see that it wasn't always easy for you to do it. Thanks and for me I see that these goals and more were reached in your telling of your journey with and without Carol.

next time i'll tell more about Martha but for now .....

the final, but maybe not so final, (we might have you write again ;)) telling of Peter's journey ... now without Carol

Well, if you have been following along we have reached the end of my story. I thought I would leave you with some thoughts now that Carol has been in heaven for 702 days.



Lots of people have said to me: I can’t imagine living without ________. Indeed. Don’t bother. You can’t imagine the unimaginable. Turns out that God has made us remarkably resilient and we are able to get through unimaginable circumstances. Some (most?) people do this without God’s direct help – imagine that!

I don’t much like endings. I think I never really have but now they are NO FUN. After every event – either with friends or just by myself – the ending is the same. When the bedroom door closes – it’s just me – not the way I imagined.


My true Father – Abba – has revealed himself in remarkable ways. One example - It was a week or so after the funeral. I was home by myself. I was staring at the wind chime friends gave us after Carol’s Dad died. I had this thought – I would like a wind chime to remember Carol. Two days or so later a package arrived in the mail from my niece (all the way from Georgia) – it was a wind chime! I hung it on the corner of the house. I am amazed at how many times when I come home and it seems calm that I walk into the house and – I hear it. Amazing!

I continue to have remarkable experiences – things that most likely would never have happened to me if Carol were alive. People I hang out with – of all ages. Things I get to do (like write this blog). People who share with me deep life hurts and experiences. Friendships that have deepened incredibly. I have been able to explain the true Father to people in a way that God seems to be using.

For some reason I have almost completely stopped watching TV. I never really decided to – it just seems to have turned out that way. I spend lots of time reading – It seems I am mostly reading to learn more about my true Father. I have (finally) figured out a way of spending time in the word and learning from it.




Carols’ Grandma lived with her in her later years. She lived to be 100. I remember that often she used to say – oh, I miss my Johan so much. I remember thinking – lady, he has been gone for over 25 years – get over it already. I have a GREAT deal more sympathy for her view now. I think that I have a hole in my heart that will never be healed. I also think that my true Father is growing a bigger heart in me though.

Erik asked me recently if I felt ripped off. My answer is No, I don’t. I have not been angry with God or spent that much time agonizing over the unanswerable – why? Turns out that I agreed to this ending. If you are a follower of Jesus and married you did too. Some where I still have the hand printed copy of the vows that I said when we got married. Till death part us. You say that so easily – hurry up we have a honeymoon and life to get too. One day God comes calling – I want you to keep your promise. It is very shocking but this is the normal way God planned marriages to end. Sad, hurt, lonely? Yes. Ripped off – No.

Do I want to get married again? I knew you would ask. Hard question for me to answer. No, I don’t want to be (can’t imagine) alone for the rest of my days. I deeply desire and will need my true Father to guide me. More than getting married again I want to follow him. In EVERY circumstance.


Some advice:



I am convinced – your best moment is RIGHT NOW. Now is the time to say “I love you”, “I am sorry”, “Let me do that”, “Father forgive me”, “Wow, look at ____”. NOW is the time to act, to believe, to laugh, to enjoy, to change. We all get NOW. Tomorrow? That is uncertain.


Looking back now, I see that I seemed to face this life circumstance head on and in the open. Let me be VERY clear, losing Carol has been by FAR the hardest, darkest, most difficult part of my life’s journey – I hope to NEVER go through something like this again, BUT – I trust my Abba. I believe that God calls us to live in the open – the bad, the good and the ugly. We hide WAY too much stuff.
Finally this:
We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
Thanks for hanging in there with me. If you are ever in the Langley, BC area - look me up - I would love to have coffee with you. You can reach me by e-mail at: peterawolfe@gmail.com<. Drop me a note.
In the Father’s love
Peter

"God’s Plan – not mine" by Peter

If you have missed the other entries by Peter I recommend going back to read them before you read this one.
- 4 How do you live when time is short
- 3 life is good in a new direction
- 2 Part 2
- 1 Peter Begins

This is a hard one .... Peter said this was a hard one to write, thanks for your openness.

Father’s day weekend was a very special weekend. Friday night we spent with friends. Saturday was Kelly’s last shower and lots of family showed up for it. We also had a care group gathering that we attended on Saturday night.

The weekend before was special as well as we traveled to Calgary for a family wedding and spent time with my sisters.

Sunday morning was very special. Wes, our Pastor had asked if it was OK if the church prayed for us during the morning service. He asked us up to the front and a whole host of friends and people from the church joined us. I particularly remember the prayer of a friend – Ev - who was also wrestling with cancer - who prayed out loud Ps 40:1-3. Wes anointed her with oil and prayed that God’s light would guide her and I.

As we talked about this prayer time in the afternoon Carol so desired that God would heal her.

Carol had planned and prepared a simple meal that she cooked for all us. After supper we all went down stairs and looked at slides of old times – you know all those good family pictures that bring such great memories.

It was after the kids had all left that God answered. We were getting ready for bed when Carol grabbed her head and said oh, oh, it hurts so bad. I helped her into bed to rest; soon she had to vomit from the pain. The night was a blur. I remember being on edge but Carol seemed to be in her normal sleeping patterns.

It was in the morning that I could not wake her up. I called my friend Elaine and 911. The first responder arrived in minutes – he walked from up the street. Soon all the medics were present and took her to emergency.

Once we arrived they said she needed a CT scan (funny how you can have one in minutes when normally it takes months). The ER doc told me the bad news. She had a massive brain hemorrhage and there was no brain activity. Just her lower brain was keeping her breathing. [Turns out that another place OM likes to move to is the brain. She never had a brain scan – something she mentioned more than once. There must have been a tumor that burst.]

Now I had to do the hardest thing in my life yet – I had to call Rachel, Erik and Kelly and tell that the time had come – way sooner than we expected – it was time to say goodbye to their Mom.

Carol was built like her Grandmother who lived to be 100 and her mother – she just turned 95 – her body was strong and not ready to yield to the call of eternity just yet. They moved her into a private room and said we needed to wait – strong bodies can live like this for awhile.

Looking back, the next 5 days were truly holy days. I now recognize that during those days the veil between heaven and earth was thin. We had so many visitors come by and sit by her bed. People who cared for her and for us. We had great times visiting and sharing. The girls actually finished assembling the wedding programs.

Family came and said good-bye; people brought us food; truly a special time. Her brother was out of town and expressed to his wife that he would really like to see Carol one more time. They landed on Friday night and decided on the drive to not go home but straight to the hospital. Rudy walked into the room and said “hi Carol, I’m here.” Ten minutes later she entered heaven and the veil closed.

We buried her in the cemetery in our home town. A very quiet place where you can see the two mountains that dominated our view growing up. That is where her body lies– waiting. Her soul? Her soul is soaring in the heights of heaven.

Carol loved to sing and I am sure she is part of that great chorus singing …

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come."

See you next time.

Make a Plan

I want to make a plan for the summer, I don't want to let another summer go the way most do.... very little time taken to focus on God. I need to make a plan of action for my spiritual growth and connection to my Abba. I know that nature is a good way to commune with my creator, I love those times camping or out doors soaking in the mosquitoes or visa versa..LOL ... I mean soaking in the sun, ..:) but seriously nature can't be the only one, taking time to listen and learn, read and pray is key to growth.

What do you do?
What will you do this summer to intentionally connect with God?
Maybe some of your ideas can help me, and others who read.

If you too need a plan then think about this, before summer is over and you let you relationship with Jesus slide.

Not For Granted

I have a challenge for you, and I hope you've been following Peter's story as he tells of His journey with Carol and her cancer. I have been struck by the thought that Cancer knows no boundaries in fact no illness or accident for that matter knows a boundary. We can't take our spouse for granted. My challenge for you, is to tell you husband that you love him, tell your wife that you love her. If you are letting the little stuff suck the life out of your relationship stop and refocus. That's my marriage advice for the day.

Cold in May

It's supposed to be spring here in Manitoba but alas we are having cold weather. (Am I complaining about the weather on my blog? Yes!)

Kids are funny!

Joelle came home from school the other day and announced emphatically "We had all out door recess'!" at first I wonder why this strikes her as notable but soon realize it's the around zero temps, which to her seemed comparable to the -43 temperatures, at which the school keeps the kids inside for recess'. It's not -43 but it sure feels close too it when your expecting warmer.

Today it snowed.

Abba, We need the heat turned up!

how do you live when your timeline is short

This is part 4 of Peter's telling of his journey with Carol

Hi again. I thought I would go back and re-visit a question I asked last time:

So how do you live when your timeline is short – measured in months?

I talked a bit before about how Carol felt but let me explore a bit more. How do live when someone tells you that you have a fatal disease and there is no effective treatment?

I know a lot more now about the cancer that invaded her. When we met with the Ocular Oncologist back in 2000, she asked: how come you were not being checked? Checked? Carol was born with some dark spots on her eyeball and sometimes had a bluish tinge around her eye. We learned this condition is called the Nevus of Ota. Check out a picture here – Carol’s left eye looked very similar. Ocular melanoma occurs in about 3-5 people per million; if you have the Nevus of Ota it occurs in about 1 per 100 or so. Who knew?

Normally after 5 years or so in remission patients are declared cancer free and any re-occurrence is then treated as a new cancer. Not so with ocular melanoma. Turns out that 50-80 percent of people will develop a metastasis – cancer spreading somewhere else - in their lifetime. Turns out that almost invariably it first re-occurs in the liver.

Turns out that the medical profession is way behind in its understanding of treatments for metastatic OM. I have since discovered that, while there is no cure, there are a number of treatments which can potentially extend ones life. I know of people 2+ years after diagnosis and still living very well. A couple of docs in the US specialize in treatments. Who knew?

Remember the verses (Ecclesiastes 5:18-20) that God gave us about the importance of Today? One day Carol turned to me and said that those verses weren’t working for her any more – she needed more hope.

My Mom gave us a book called “Cancer and the Lords Prayer” by Greg Anderson. He describes the power of this prayer of Jesus to heal our lives – from God’s perspective. Somehow this simple short book connected with Carol and brought her closer to her true Father and filled her with hope for each day. In fact, I still have on my fridge the copy of the Lord’s Prayer she printed out.

One day as we were driving she said, “I have never been able to picture heaven as a place I would want to go to – but yesterday God gave me a vision”. She described how she had this picture of this most beautiful trip – better than any we had taken – that she was going on. The trip was going from one beautiful place to another even more beautiful and it lasted forever. She said: “I can go to heaven if it’s a place like that”.
She (obviously) was filled with fear as well. She did not really talk with me about her fears that much. That was reserved for her very best friend Elaine – her friend since she was 15. I have discovered that there were lots of conversations about darkness and fear that I was unaware of.

One day Elaine woke up with a strong feeling that she should buy Carol a book. It was called “Hinds Feet on High Places”. It is the story of someone called Much-Afraid and her exciting journey to the High Places. Carol just ate this book up. She loved it and it just calmed her soul.

One of her fears was of pain. I know that she was afraid of what pain awaited her. Her true Father knew this too and he had a plan.

That comes next time. See you then.

Peter

You are welcome to comment

Life is good – in a new direction - by Peter

intro - Something new
part 1 - Peter Begins
part 2 - Peter Part 2
.... and now he continues his telling .....

We had a great vacation in 2006. We spent a week with friends in Kanasikis Country. I saw this t-shirt that just seemed to describe my life so I bought it – “Life is Good”. After that Carol and I headed for Glacier and Yellowstone National parks. Yellowstone is such a diverse and unique place.

On the way home Carol suddenly got this really high fever that lasted all day. We stopped in this small town for night and after a good nights sleep she felt much better. Hmmmm. She had developed a problem with acid reflux which had prevented her from singing - truly her physical gift. In the fall something just didn’t seem right and she eventually went to the doctor to get checked out. An ultra-sound was scheduled for after Christmas as the doc thought likely she was having gall bladder problems. She had another bought of high fever in January 07 that kept her from substitute teaching, it lasted a week or so – no reason found.

The night before the doctor was to review the results with her, Carol came to me and said look at this – showing me something on the web about possible causes of unexplained high fever – liver cancer. I put that out of my mind (well not really – how can you – but I tried). I came home early as her appointment was the last one of the day – my cell phone rang at 5 PM. It was Carol – she said: “Peter, it is the worst possible news – there are two tumours in my liver”. I hung up and shrieked at God – “What are you doing?! How am I supposed to live without her? I can’t do this!!” We just clung to each other when I got home. What now?

People generally wanted us to take the most optimistic option – preliminary results; don’t really know exactly what it is; stay positive. Somehow we both just knew. Six months earlier we had downed tools at church and walked away – asking God to give us a new direction. Now it had arrived. We both had the sense that God had other options in mind besides a miracle cure.

A biopsy confirmed that it was indeed Ocular Melanoma spread to her liver. The oncologist talked to us for 2 hours but basically said – go home, keep on taking Tylenol, come back when the pain gets too bad. OM metastasis has no standard treatment options that are at all effective.

So how do you live when your timeline is short – measured in months?

I was reading in Ecclesiastes at the time and had bumped across some verse that seemed to be God’s message for us. They are still on the fridge and taped to my monitor at work. Check them out – Ecclesiastes 5:18-20 – “Make the most of what God gives”. The key word is today. Each day is God’s special day.

Carol kept a journal and this is what she wrote on February 16, 2007.

God, when you start thinking you are going to die it bowls you over. Then another strange emotion which is unnamed takes over. Acceptance and? So I ask you to keep my mind in order. Keep it on the track of wisdom, keep me always aware that you are in charge and that’s a very good thing. I love you Father. I need you every step of the way.

We started doing things together. First up was a trip to Palm Springs with our friends.



Wow, we had a great time visiting and exploring. Here we are in Joshua Tree National Park.
Carol’s family came over to visit. This is Carol with her niece’s baby daughter. Two people. Two ends of life’s journey.

We got organized and took the whole family off to Hawaii. We had always planned to do that – always seemed off in the future.
This was, I think, one of my life’s highlights – Carol would agree.
Just a super time to spend with our family. We had rented a house right on the beach about 45 minutes out of Honolulu.

We could relax and eat together, sun bath on the beach or go sight seeing.

We went snorkelling, sailing, visited Pearl Harbour, Waikiki beach, Diamond Head, Banzai Pipeline (home of 70ft waves).

We took in a luau one evening – I think it was my birthday actually.

I think you will agree – not bad looking after 27+ years of marriage - don’t you think?!

God did something amazing on this trip actually. As we were flying Carol turned to me and said – this might be a big mistake – I am really uncomfortable.
The tumours in her liver caused pain and swelling and sitting too long was not pleasant. Our bed in Hawaii seemed way too hard.

The amazing thing? Every night in Hawaii? She slept like a log and had no discomfort or pain AT ALL!! She was able to do everything we all did except the hike up Diamond Head.









I think I will leave you here for today – see you soon.

Peter Part 2

Here is the next entry from Peter ( Need some back round? Read the Intro and Peter Begins)

A Changed Life

Twenty years actually goes by pretty fast. Those first twenty years of married life were about getting to know each other, starting and raising our family, getting tied up (or is it down?) with stuff like a mortgage, working like crazy, doing church stuff; Carol taught Sunday school, sang in the choir, we managed to become deacons, led a care group. Like I said last time, lots of time and energy doing things for the Father; not much time being with the Father.

Mark Buchanan in his book Your God is too Safe calls this living in the borderlands. Not really fully with the Father and not against him either (well at least not obviously). I think most of us fall into this place way too easily; it is such a comfortable place to be.

Change happened slowly and largely un-noticed (at least by me). You can see it on the chart from my previous entry. Something happened that has changed me forever. A couple of things actually. The first occurred when I took a position as our church leader (NO, not a pastor!). One of the Pastors asked how she could pray for me. I also started attending Saturday morning prayer times. Turns out this changed my life – somewhere along the way I fell in love with my Abba, my true Father.
Now that I think back on it – quite amazingly – Carol was going through the same experience. What a gift to a married couple to both be moving toward the Father – together!

Speaking of gifts, I now realize that we both received one. I was given the gift of being able to strongly relate to my Abba through worship. I get such strong messages from him by worshiping him – mostly through music but not always. I remember when it happened. We were having Thursday evening services during the summer (and we got the weekends free!) We had a visiting band playing. I remember the leader just inviting us to enter the Holy of Holies and worship. Something flung open in my heart and ever since – well if you see me, my eyes are closed and tears are flowing – don't be alarmed – just me and my Abba having a conversation.

I discovered after we got married that when Carol thought of her father she became anxious and was really unsure of her relationship with him. He had the power in her life to reduce her to tears by saying just a few words. Slowly, over the course of years together, we learned how to disconnect her father’s words from having that power in her life. She became able to see past the rough edges of her father’s personality and look deeper and see the love that was there all along.

After her Father died, Carol received her gift while we were visiting a church. A woman started describing the incredible love of the Father for his children. The true Father opened Carol’s heart and the incredible, hard to fully grasp, too good to be true but isn’t, the love of the true Father for her; just for her; poured into her. In the years that followed this love sustained her; drew her ever closer to her true Father and spilled out of her.
In her own words she described her life’s journey:

“I began a relationship that at times was close, many times distant and often confusing. I experienced many things that at times made me wonder how much I really wanted this relationship. I came to realize how much God actually loved me as I am. This realization gave me a joy and purpose in my life. My relationship with the God of creation is worth living for.”

One more thing happened. In July of 2000, Carol phoned me at work after a visit to her optometrist and said: there is a lump in my left eye. One week later we were in the office of an ocular oncologist who said: You have a malignant tumor about the size of the tip of my little finger in the lining in the back of your eye. A very rare form of skin cancer. Skin cancer – in your eye – who knew?!

There are a number of treatments; if your tumor is small enough they use radiation. Hers was, so one day she checked in the hospital for treatment. They took her eyeball out, sewed a radioactive disc to the back of eyeball – carefully aligned so it would radiate the tumor, put her eyeball back in and 24 hours later we came home. She lay on the couch for a week while the radiation did its thing, then back to the hospital to do the reverse. Simple, eh?

The radiation did its intended job of killing the tumor slowly – we went back every six months or so for a checkup – always a bit anxious – the news was always good, tumor dying, not much leakage. The radiation also had the side effect of largely killing her vision in her eye – she eventually was reduced to seeing around the edges and then mostly in black and white.

Life carried on and you know what, it got better. Let me tell you – being married to your beloved, your soul mate, it actually gets better.
This is a picture of our family on Erik’s wedding day – our 25th wedding anniversary year. No, you are not mistaken, a VERY good looking family – and this before digital cameras!

A couple of thoughts to leave you with:

1. When God comes calling, let him have his way. Borderland is not any way to live your whole life.
2. I never could have imagined back in July 1979 the depth and width and breadth that would make up being married to my beloved. Stay the course, IT GETS BETTER PEOPLE!
3. I believe in hope that every marriage can be rescued. That the Father can and will restore love even when it is lost.

See you next time.

What AM I doing?

I was telling a friend the other day how I have a certain time of year when I reevaluate my goals and purpose in life. Ask the "why?" questions. I don't really choose it it seems to choose me. I ask it of myself but it feels like something outside of me is asking me. "What ARE you doing HERE? Why did you move away from family to be in this place? Why do you stay?" maybe it's God asking? I've written about this before. And here I am 2 years later and I am at the ..."What ARE you doing HERE? Why did you move away from family to be in this place? Why do you stay?"
.....
I know somethings it's not, it's not to live the "good life", have a "good" day and survive Manitoba, yet that is what most of my days appear to be about. About surviving.. at least it seems this past winter was (Ok and I'm talking about the overall focus not the obviously necessary daily routine. and yes I do want to have a good day but I hope you get my point that it isn't, or shouldn't be, focused on ME)
Really I appreciate this "question time" because for as long as I can remember mediocrity has a bad taste to me, I'd rather be weird and foolish to this world than mediocre ... and yet I don't seem to get it because I slip into a groove and what I don't want to do I do ... yap we've heard this before, Paul wrote it in his letter to the Romans "I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway."
.....
So what now?
....
I guess I ask Abba to show me,... to inspire me,.. to encourage me, to teach me, to refocus me, to reduce me, to increase Him, so I can serve Him, know Him, love Him, bless Him, be focused on Him.

Do you question too? Do you live to survive? Do you ask why?

(More from Peter in a few days)

Peter Begins

This is the first post in a series of writings from Peter Wolfe about his life, just for us, see here for the intro.

My Normal Life

I am currently just short of 54 years old. I was married for 10,192 days, or 27 years, 10 months and 22 days – about 10,192 days too short in my view. I always knew my wife Carol. We grew up in the same small town, Yarrow, BC. There is a picture of us sitting side by side in Sunday school when we were 4 or 5 years old. Except for one year, we went to the same public and private schools thru graduation. We both graduated from UBC, Carol as a teacher in ‘79 and I in Engineering in ‘81.

We never really spent any time together until university days. Carol’s best friend married my best friend – both also from Yarrow. They arranged us spending time together and soon the sparks flew. I fell for Carol hard – I still remember lying on my bed in my dorm and feeling this flush come over me and realizing – I LOVE HER - and then feeling panic because that meant marriage and I wasn’t ready!
We must have been fast learners because we started dating in September ‘78 and by Christmas we KNEW. We got married on July 28 1979.

This is Carol’s UBC grad picture … my favorite early picture of her.

After I graduated from UBC we went off to Europe for what I thought was a vacation but Carol had a plan – her name turned out to be Rachel. After Erik then Kelly were born – 3 years, 3 kids – we put a stop to all that and began the life journey of being parents – what a pleasure that was. All three are now married – and NO, no grandkids (yet).














This is a picture of my family. Left to right is Holly & Erik (son), Conrad & Kelly (daughter), me, Rachel (daughter) & Chris. Yes you are right – a very good looking family.

I have worked in the software development field in positions of increasing responsibility for almost 30 years now. I can truly say that I love what I do. Most days, going to work is something that I enjoy.

My journey with my true Father began when I was very young – I think I was 6 or 7 years old and “gave my life to Jesus” at home after one of those fire and brimstone and “just as I am” evenings we used to have at church. Church was always part of my life growing up as was true for Carol. Looking back I think one of the reasons for the joy on earth that was our marriage was because we were similar in lots of ways including our spiritual journeys. This picture shows a graph of my passion for the true Father over the years. As you can see there was a flat line period. The jump came when I met Carol – on Christmas Eve ’78 I decided to say yes again to following Jesus. The next 20 or so years, well, there was lots of energy spent on doing things for the Father but not much energy being with the Father. That’s part of the next installment.

So what would you do if you could have your life to do over? You know, start again, a new beginning? From this period of my life I would:

Spend less time at work. Carol said she used to sit with the kids by the window and say “Daddy, we need you”, waiting for me to come home. Work matters, just less than we think.
There are a few arguments I wish I could replay. In ALL cases I was the stubborn ass. I wish I could have those back and say “I was wrong” … very powerful words, for men particularly I think.
Mostly, I imagine falling in love with my true Father much sooner.

See you next time.

Peter

Leave a comment for Peter if you like.

Something New

I am thrilled about this one -- Cindy street has got something exciting and different for you this spring. I've been sharing my personal experiences and challenges with you for several years now. Well this is going to be different, it is going to be an "event" that will take a season to complete. And for once it won't be about ME.**a sigh of releif is heard in space** ... One of you, one from among you, one of my faithful readers is going to be a guest on my blog, some of you know him.... I have asked Peter Wolfe to write about his life journey, and I'm going post it here. I won't say too much about him because first he's going to say it, and second I don't really know much, though I do know that it'll be great to follow his story.

(I hope you don't mind Peter I snapped this photo off your facebook:) I like this photo of Peter because he's looking back and that is what I've asked him to do for us.

In a few days I'll post the first segment but till then, this intro:

Hi, my name is Peter Wolfe. I call Cindy my friend. I have known her (and Ben) since way back before there were twinkles in their eyes when they saw each other. Turns out I live beside Ben’s Dad – go figure. Cindy asked me to share my story with y’all – you need to ask her why. So here goes....

Abba is Reminded

Interesting what is really said about the rainbow in Genesis 9 it wasn't really a reminder for humans but a reminder for God. "The rainbow will appear in the clouds, and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures. When I see the rainbow in the clouds, I will remember the eternal covenant between God and every living creature on earth."

I forget a lot of things, I know I need reminders ....
Abba needing a reminder- is a funny thing, it makes me smile, I like God....Can he really forget?
Either way it's plain to see he wanted a reminder, so he made one.
Somehow I feel I can understand God better knowing this piece of information, and in a strange way I can understand myself better like I've been able to connect with myself- the made-in-God's-image self... I guess that is the point of reading the bible- to know God better, to connect with Him and to know ourselves in the process.

When God sees the rainbow He is reminded of his covenant, "never again will a flood destroy the earth"

When I see the rainbow I'm going to remember how near God is, and how we both need reminders.

The Earth will never flood, that's a promise ... but he didn't say anything about the Red River Valley.

What's your excuse?

I have them and I am sure you have them too.

What's the excuse you have for not reading your bible?

I go through times where it's going great I read regularly.. meaning almost every day. and then I skip a few days and then I get "busy" and I read less and less and soon I can hardly remember the last time I sat and just read a chapter or two from the book that is my life.
"They are not just idle words for you—they are your life."
If Moses can say this about the limited words he had in Deuteronomy 32:47 I know I can say it about the whole life giving book.

I don't want to make this long because I am going to do a little reading myself, I just wanted to challenge you to join me and give up making those excuses and experience the life giving power of hearing from God's word.

Don't like to read - then listen.

To Listen

I've been accused of not being a good listener on more than one occasion. Oh I want to be a good listener and I try but when it comes down to it my nature is "I'd rather talk than listen" ..... maybe that's why I blog... I'm a work in progress that's why this quote is good words for me and those that are like me.

The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention ... a loving silence often has way more power to heal and to connect than the most well intended words.

Rachel Naomi Reman

day 27

I knew this time would come and .... LOL I know you've all been checking back to see "Has Cindy posted a 28 days update?" Ya sure you came to read but you were still wondering .."Would Cindy do any follow up?" LOL..... yes here I am..aaahhh.... welll... doing the update ... following up ....aaaa.. - It went terrible! If I can use that word in this context. Honestly I/we was expecting/envisioning a very different outcome(not going into detail on that). We couldn't do it(that is the challenge) LOL. Ben was sick for at least 14 days, I was sick or otherwise for at least 5 days and the excuses go on. I am not sure if anyone reading this took the challenge or like us planned to take it. Were you able to do it? Or did you end up like us. I figure even though I say terrible, I know we got to talk a lot more about sex and some other personal lessons learned. Not as expected but never would I say it was a waste. But I think you can be assured I won't challenge you to do that again... lol.. Hey but isn't it great that in this day and age we can talk about sex openly in a healthy way.
With your spouse, talk about it and ...dare I say ... make it interesting! .. even if it's not that often.

To my unmarried or teen readers - Sorry, this one wasn't for you but hey when you're married you'll be all the more prepared to be a good spouse, till then keep yourself pure - it's the best thing you can do for your marriage, You future is based on now.

One more good thing that came out of this experience, a friend brought my attention to a site for married Christian women(also useful for husbands) with question about sex and a place to dialog about this topic. I have not surfed the whole site but from what I see from the onset it is bible based and a visually safe site to view for all married Christians but I have to put in this disclaimer that because of the nature of the subject you have to judge for yourself if it is appropriate for you. *added in edit(Some may find some topics uncomfortable to read about--don't read it then)* That said I learned a lot and it made me think and I know we will use this site in out marriage bed.
Wow that was a whole lot said to give you this : Christian Nymphos

If anyone wants to post comments about how it went for you, you are welcome.

The Provider

When it comes to getting meals on the table it's my job to provide(generally). But I was shown again who the true provider is...
Ben was sick for a week or so and I was doing double duty, taking care of the kids and Ben(I was actually sympathetic this time..LOL), taking care of all the details of a house we usually share. One day while Ben was sick I thought about asking God if he could send someone with a meal because I was getting a little tired...I didn't ask, but that day we got a pail of cookies, don't get me wrong I was very appreciative of the cookies but I distinctly remember thinking I shoulda asked for a meal .. we enjoyed the cookies none the less. Ben got better and then I was sick, in bed all day. I had no supper plan, nor did I want to think about it. I fell asleep saying to God "Today you can bring supper." ... Was I surprised when at 4:30 a friend arrived with a meal? .... Not so much surprised as completely delighted to know who my provider is. I was really excited for being sick. I thanked my friend for listening to God(she was thrilled because she had no idea that's what she'd done) and I thanked God for the food.

I know my provider ... Do you know Him?

Psalm 111

1 Praise the LORD.
I will extol the LORD with all my heart
in the council of the upright and in the assembly.

2 Great are the works of the LORD;
they are pondered by all who delight in them.

3 Glorious and majestic are his deeds,
and his righteousness endures forever.

4 He has caused his wonders to be remembered;
the LORD is gracious and compassionate.

5 He provides food for those who fear him;
he remembers his covenant forever.

6 He has shown his people the power of his works,
giving them the lands of other nations.

7 The works of his hands are faithful and just;
all his precepts are trustworthy.

8 They are steadfast for ever and ever,
done in faithfulness and uprightness.

9 He provided redemption for his people;
he ordained his covenant forever—
holy and awesome is his name.

10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom;
all who follow his precepts have good understanding.
To him belongs eternal praise.

1 + 1 = 2 x as much

Don't know what to say when you pray?
Take a part of scripture and turn it into a prayer for yourself or for someone else.

I felt this scripture speak powerfully to me in prayer this week as I prayed it for myself.

Ephesians 1:17-20
"I keep asking you, Abba, my God and father of my Lord Jesus Christ, please give me the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that I may know you better. I pray also that the eyes of my heart may be enlightened so that I will know the hope that you have called me to(Oh glorious day) That I might know the hope to which I have been called, that is the riches of your glorious inheritance I have in you. And I pray that I might also know and understand your incomparably great power for me because I believe. This power, is the working of your mighty strength and it is the same power that raised you, Jesus, from the dead. Amen"

Maybe I'm paying more attention these days but I've had more opportunities these days to pray with people, specific requests, than I even have. Humbling and a blessing, and I think this Ephesians prayer means that much more in these days. I need to know God better, be open eyed, know where my hope is, be enlightened to his thoughts and know His amazing power and authority is working through me. Scripture has such power and then combine that with prayer ... wwheewww ... envisioning amazing things!

The challenge to you - Use scripture in your prayer time.

**If you're one of those fabulous people that prays for me and reads my blog, wow may God really bless you. First - thank you and Second - now you have a specific request, Ephesians 1:17-20 for me:).**







1(scripture)+1(prayer)= 2 x as much

Just Breathe

Do you ever call God daddy?.... I don't it just seems strange.
Or how about this one
When talking to your dad or husband do you say "man" in the place where you might say his name or "hun"? or to your wife say "woman come here?" **advice from a woman -that one might not get a response or at best a negative one**
Your answer to the second is probably "NO". That's true for our house too I don't say to the kids "Go ask man." or "Go tell man it's noon and time to get out of bed." or "Where's man I need my feet rubbed."... :)
So what do these two questions have in common?
Ben pointed something out to be the other day that I want to share with you.. **Some of you have probably known this for years and this won't be a newsflash**
"God" is God's being title like "man" is Ben's title or "woman" is my title, why wouldn't we call God, when speaking to him, by a more intimate name than a being title, if he in fact is more intimate to us than that. God is so close to me I feel His presence, I would call him intimate. Jesus is a good personal name and I definitely call on Jesus but I mostly speak his name as "God" still. So if daddy is strange then here are some ideas- Father, Abba or Yahweh could work. I like Abba it means - "Oh father, or daddy" in Hebrew. I'll have to get used to that I think but I think it is worth the change, at least in most cases. What do you think?

Ben also taught me a prayer that also brings God..I should say Abba.. more intimate. I'm not sure where he picked it up but it is very practical and I'm going to call it "Just Breathe".

It all happens in one deep breath. It starts with breathing in and as you inhale you softly say "Abba" (it's almost as if your body softly says it on its own) and as you exhale you softly say "I am yours." or anything you need to give to God if it has 2-5 ish syllables it should work. Keep saying the prayer until the worries subside or say it as you fall asleep.
**I am not a professional at this I just tried it a few times**

My example of how I have used this already - these past few days I've been thinking a lot about my sister and brother in their situation. Instead of worrying, I Just Breathe "Abba, They belong to you."

I find it a good way to release to God and to put things into perspective.

Remember "Don't worry be happy!" **Flash from the past**
Cindy's words......
"Don't worry Just Breathe!"

Depression

Every movement is a choice
Every movement is forced
Every moment is a fight
Every moment is long

I see no light
I see no hope
"you sense no purpose"
"you sense the end"

"Lost your will to call out?"
"Lost your will to live?"
Lost in this place
Lost in emptiness

There is a place so deep and dark that unless you've been there you don't believe it exists.
There is a place where some feel so beyond the reach of help, even beyond the reach of God.
There are people around you and I who are struggling to see hope and a future in their existence.
These people struggle with depression.

I offer no fix
I offer no steps
I give no wisdom
I give no understanding

I know one thing
I know one who does
I know who knows you
I know who He is

God your creator
God your life
Jesus in your darkness
Jesus beside you

He loves you now
He loved you then
He is here now
He is here forever

I have experienced depression for but a few days(a long time ago) it really gives me no grounds to understand or speak about the place people go in these times, but I have been burdened to pray for the ones I know and in that I have somehow experienced an empathy for these people in these times. It might be you. I am so so sad at times with you. From the outside looking in I see hope and light but you don't see what I see, you see darkness and ...I don't know ... I wish I could give you my eyes for one day.
Jesus really loves you and us all and he comes to truly set us free, I believe Him for my own life and I know He can do it for you too.

I hope, I pray
if you read this today
you'll look for Jesus,
He's near you,
that's where He said He'd be.

Thanks Canadian Lumber

Seems the 28 days Challenge has created some buzz .... especially around the Canadian Lumber yard:)(or so I hear). LOL ..... something about men printing my blog post to show their wives. Great idea! Getting more readers is great - I should a thought about the "sex talk" a long time ago... just kiddin' that's not why I did it... but I sure don't mind. Anyway come by and read more often if your up for the challenges? .. ah even if you just come and read for the entertainment... :)
....Now is when I wish I had one of those vistor counters to see how many people have just popped in for a read... curiousity!

28 days of.....

Ben and I have a wonderful marriage, I've bragged about that here before, though it is not without effort that we've gotten to this place(and it is still getting better all the time). Now speaking of effort, there is one effort I want to challenge my married women readers with. I am personally taking this challenge and so I can honestly give it to you. But first some back round; I believe there are a lot of very important components to a wonderful marriage, one is honest communication. This is a foundation for a good marriage both you and and your spouse have to talk a lot. Communication is very important but my challenge is not about communication, (or at least not the conversation kind of communication). This is a deeper communication, a God created communication with our bodies... Yes I am talking about S E X. One of the number one things that couples in deteriorating marriages do not do, is have sex regularly. If you are struggling or working at your marriage or if you think it is already very good, we are all in the same boat, we have to make sex with our husbands a priority. Com'mon we(married people) know the connection and importance sex has in our relationship, I don't have to tell you this.(But I will:) It's intimate, it's just for us, it's as some say "as close the heavenlies as one can get on earth" and we get to do it together and is perfectly designed for a husband and wife to connect. Respectful, loving sex is like throwing another log on the fire, I'm not saying it's the only way but it is an important one.(Men if you're reading this; flowers, cleaning, kind words are also examples of logs on the fire) We also know that when communication(verbal) sucks or the once amazing fire is a flickering spark trying to stay aglow, we have no drive to satisfy our spouses needs. No fire, no woppee; no woppee no fire. It's a cycle that could end badly if not ended by the spouse who is holding out. That would be you the woman! ....Ok already what's the challenge... 28 days!
....28 days of WHAT CINDY!???! SEX! Yes, I am crazy, and Yes I meant 28 days in a row! Crazy for sure, crazy in love with my husband and crazy enough to tell you all that I'm doing this so that I can see who else I can inspire to set their marriage on fire again and be crazy in love. Oh i know some people think sex is way too Private/personal a thing to talk about like this but gang I'm not you're average bear and well we're in a new age. Maybe I have no idea what I am setting myself up for in telling you this..... Ben seemed keen on the idea LOL (Obviously) ...he also supports me sending out this challenge and he knows it has to be us women who encourage it.
One question left to be answered ... Why 28 days in a row? Well I got the idea from seeing some pastors challenge their congregations to do this and here are the benefits I think can result. (oh and just so you know this is as public as I am going with this...not going to the pulpit just in case you're wondering)
possible benefits...
-every day couples have to resolve the issues
-every day couples have to spend intimate time together
-every day couples'll have fun together
-we'll be surprised at the bond
-if you havn't been doing it maybe this will start a more regular "habit"
-wives'll be surprised how their husbands will feel so loved and what they might do in return
-who knows what can come of this unless we do it
.... anyway what can the harm be, see what happens when you make the effort...
it's only one month... (At least it is the shortest month)

No signing up required!

28 days starting February 1st -- How perfect February the love month!

LOL I don't know how to end this one ... "Just do it!" .... "Let the games begin!"



***This is indeed strange***

Women's Rights and the Bible

Women and the Bible has always been a touchy subject for some and maybe, being a women, especially one who wants to be able to stand on her own two feet, I've cringed more often than some at the words submission, subjection and silence. The words that undoubtedly comes up when talking about women and the bible. I guess you could say I am one of those that finds it a touchy subject. With a little uncertainty, knowing the many verses often quoted, I set off on the Internet wondering what I would find as I googled "women's rights and the Bible", looking for help to understand this. The big question was - what would I find? ....
I came almost at once to a site that, for me, so nicely explained things. http://www.christianbiblereference.org/faq_womensrights.htm From Eve to the new testament church to today. Here is the conclusion if you don't want to read the whole thing

God created both men and women in His own image and made them equal custodians of all His creation. But, because of their disobedience, God punished Adam and Eve and evicted them from the Garden of Eden. Eve's punishment was to suffer pain in childbirth and be ruled over by her husband. Jesus broke with tradition and treated women in a much more egalitarian way than was normal in the society of that time. The early Christian churches followed Jesus' lead and gave women much higher status and more privileges than was common in the rest of the world. But Paul and other Christian leaders continued to affirm the principle of a husband's family leadership and authority over his wife.

Reading this article made me feel/think several things:
1- I really love Jesus and Jesus loved women -He treated women well in his time
2- Bible time culture matters, we must know it to accurately know the meaning of a passage,
3- Our culture matters because just as Jesus worked at times with and at times against his culture, he'll still do it today, which also means changing things will happen in God's timing.
I suppose the search or study of these things isn't done, it comes to the suface in different ways at different times. But for now I was happy to find this "re"understanding and I wanted to share it with you too.

Serve

I'm getting some material together for a youth Sunday School class on serving. You might be able to help me if you can answer these questions.

Are you serving others? Blessing others?
How do you serve?
Why do you do things for others? What motivates you?

Jesus says "whoever wants to be first must be your slave- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
Matt 20:27:28

The Best shot of 2008

The winner is August. Thanks for all the votes.

2008 photos

Again you get to vote for your favorite photo of the year. I post one picture of the girls for each month and just for fun you get to help select the best.
Just post in the comment section which one it is you vote for.


January - Dress up never seems to get old at our house. (Ariel)























February - Dress-up again...can't believe they can try on my wedding dress already! ( Joelle)


















March - Something about a puddle and a cold wet foot that gets you a ride on your daddy's shoulders. (Joelle)

















April - A little otter at the hotel pool. (Ariel)

















May - Laugh-alike and look-alike. (Ariel)



















June - Blossoms in the trees not as beautiful as the one climbing it. (Seraya)























July - Water slides. (Ariel)
























August - Grand Beach at sunset.























September - Living a full life, full of love, joy and laughter.


















October - Painting in God's beautiful autumn. (Seraya)























November - Bundle up. (Seraya)

























December - Smile for Christmas. (Joelle)