Jesus' words have a special place for us. They have a directness, like a spot light shines on them. For 50 days I am going to follow this Christian community blog in their study of the sermon on the mount. Maybe you need something to direct you back to studying Jesus' words again, or maybe you just want to fit this into what you already do with God. I will see how it goes.
pondered on this myself and maybe you have too. Pondered, reflected, confessed and then asked the one we praise for the power to over come our failures.What do you do?
What will you do this summer to intentionally connect with God?
Then to the playground, we were so early that we were the only ones there, so we played ... play structure tag, a combination between Robin hood and Sky High superhero imagination play(I love my family) and races ... it was all fun and games until I twisted my ankle. But that didn't really stop the fun because next we were off to the mall, still arriving before it opened. Ben might say this is were the fun ended but tough for him he has 4 of us femaloids, and a little shopping never killed a man(that is not a fact, just an opinion). After some successful shopping(Ben with only slight burning in his eyes) we arrived home at 1:45pm. Still time to lounge at the pool which made my ankle feel a lot better. Summer is so good!It was spring but it was summer I wanted; the warm days and the great outdoors.
It was summer but it was fall I wanted; the colourful leaves and the cool air.
It was fall and it was winter I wanted; the beautiful snow and the joy of the holiday season.
It was winter but it was the spring I wanted; the warmth and the blossoming of nature.
I was a child but it was adulthood I wanted; to the freedom and respect.
I was twenty but it was thirty I wanted, to be mature and sophisticated.
I was middle-aged and it was twenty I wanted to be; he youth and free spirit.
I was retired and it was middle age I wanted; the presence of mind without limitation.
My life was over but I never got what I wanted.
Yap, can you believe it I've been labeled ... wanna know what it is? ..... of course you do, that's why you're reading this ...
Being that we live 2000 km from my mom, Martha Theissen often was the local mother presence I needed and grandma to my girls. At her funeral I learned I wasn't the only one that felt that way. Martha was amazing and I took her for granted. Well, if you have been following along we have reached the end of my story. I thought I would leave you with some thoughts now that Carol has been in heaven for 702 days.
Lots of people have said to me: I can’t imagine living without ________. Indeed. Don’t bother. You can’t imagine the unimaginable. Turns out that God has made us remarkably resilient and we are able to get through unimaginable circumstances. Some (most?) people do this without God’s direct help – imagine that!
I don’t much like endings. I think I never really have but now they are NO FUN. After every event – either with friends or just by myself – the ending is the same. When the bedroom door closes – it’s just me – not the way I imagined.
My true Father – Abba – has revealed himself in remarkable ways. One example - It was a week or so after the funeral. I was home by myself. I was staring at the wind chime friends gave us after Carol’s Dad died. I had this thought – I would like a wind chime to remember Carol. Two days or so later a package arrived in the mail from my niece (all the way from Georgia) – it was a wind chime! I hung it on the corner of the house. I am amazed at how many times when I come home and it seems calm that I walk into the house and – I hear it. Amazing!
I continue to have remarkable experiences – things that most likely would never have happened to me if Carol were alive. People I hang out with – of all ages. Things I get to do (like write this blog). People who share with me deep life hurts and experiences. Friendships that have deepened incredibly. I have been able to explain the true Father to people in a way that God seems to be using.
For some reason I have almost completely stopped watching TV. I never really decided to – it just seems to have turned out that way. I spend lots of time reading – It seems I am mostly reading to learn more about my true Father. I have (finally) figured out a way of spending time in the word and learning from it.
Carols’ Grandma lived with her in her later years. She lived to be 100. I remember that often she used to say – oh, I miss my Johan so much. I remember thinking – lady, he has been gone for over 25 years – get over it already. I have a GREAT deal more sympathy for her view now. I think that I have a hole in my heart that will never be healed. I also think that my true Father is growing a bigger heart in me though.
Erik asked me recently if I felt ripped off. My answer is No, I don’t. I have not been angry with God or spent that much time agonizing over the unanswerable – why? Turns out that I agreed to this ending. If you are a follower of Jesus and married you did too. Some where I still have the hand printed copy of the vows that I said when we got married. Till death part us. You say that so easily – hurry up we have a honeymoon and life to get too. One day God comes calling – I want you to keep your promise. It is very shocking but this is the normal way God planned marriages to end. Sad, hurt, lonely? Yes. Ripped off – No.
Do I want to get married again? I knew you would ask. Hard question for me to answer. No, I don’t want to be (can’t imagine) alone for the rest of my days. I deeply desire and will need my true Father to guide me. More than getting married again I want to follow him. In EVERY circumstance.
Some advice:
I am convinced – your best moment is RIGHT NOW. Now is the time to say “I love you”, “I am sorry”, “Let me do that”, “Father forgive me”, “Wow, look at ____”. NOW is the time to act, to believe, to laugh, to enjoy, to change. We all get NOW. Tomorrow? That is uncertain.
Looking back now, I see that I seemed to face this life circumstance head on and in the open. Let me be VERY clear, losing Carol has been by FAR the hardest, darkest, most difficult part of my life’s journey – I hope to NEVER go through something like this again, BUT – I trust my Abba. I believe that God calls us to live in the open – the bad, the good and the ugly. We hide WAY too much stuff.
Finally this:
We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
Thanks for hanging in there with me. If you are ever in the Langley, BC area - look me up - I would love to have coffee with you. You can reach me by e-mail at: peterawolfe@gmail.com<. Drop me a note.
In the Father’s love
Peter
Father’s day weekend was a very special weekend. Friday night we spent with friends.Saturday was Kelly’s last shower and lots of family showed up for it. We also had a care group gathering that we attended on Saturday night.
The weekend before was special as well as we traveled to Calgary for a family wedding and spent time with my sisters.
Sunday morning was very special. Wes, our Pastor had asked if it was OK if the church prayed for us during the morning service. He asked us up to the front and a whole host of friends and people from the church joined us. I particularly remember the prayer of a friend – Ev - who was also wrestling with cancer - who prayed out loud Ps 40:1-3. Wes anointed her with oil and prayed that God’s light would guide her and I.
As we talked about this prayer time in the afternoon Carol so desired that God would heal her.
Carol had planned and prepared a simple meal that she cooked for all us. After supper we all went down stairs and looked at slides of old times – you know all those good family pictures that bring such great memories.
It was after the kids had all left that God answered. We were getting ready for bed when Carol grabbed her head and said oh, oh, it hurts so bad. I helped her into bed to rest; soon she had to vomit from the pain. The night was a blur. I remember being on edge but Carol seemed to be in her normal sleeping patterns.
It was in the morning that I could not wake her up. I called my friend Elaine and 911. The first responder arrived in minutes – he walked from up the street. Soon all the medics were present and took her to emergency.
Once we arrived they said she needed a CT scan (funny how you can have one in minutes when normally it takes months). The ER doc told me the bad news. She had a massive brain hemorrhage and there was no brain activity. Just her lower brain was keeping her breathing. [Turns out that another place OM likes to move to is the brain. She never had a brain scan – something she mentioned more than once. There must have been a tumor that burst.]
Now I had to do the hardest thing in my life yet – I had to call Rachel, Erik and Kelly and tell that the time had come – way sooner than we expected – it was time to say goodbye to their Mom.
Carol was built like her Grandmother who lived to be 100 and her mother – she just turned 95 – her body was strong and not ready to yield to the call of eternity just yet. They moved her into a private room and said we needed to wait – strong bodies can live like this for awhile.
Looking back, the next 5 days were truly holy days. I now recognize that during those days the veil between heaven and earth was thin. We had so many visitors come by and sit by her bed. People who cared for her and for us. We had great times visiting and sharing. The girls actually finished assembling the wedding programs.
Family came and said good-bye; people brought us food; truly a special time. Her brother was out of town and expressed to his wife that he would really like to see Carol one more time. They landed on Friday night and decided on the drive to not go home but straight to the hospital. Rudy walked into the room and said “hi Carol, I’m here.” Ten minutes later she entered heaven and the veil closed.
We buried her in the cemetery in our home town. A very quiet place where you can see the two mountains that dominated our view growing up. That is where her body lies– waiting. Her soul? Her soul is soaring in the heights of heaven.
Carol loved to sing and I am sure she is part of that great chorus singing …
"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come."
See you next time.
I have a challenge for you, and I hope you've been following Peter's story as he tells of His journey with Carol and her cancer. I have been struck by the thought that Cancer knows no boundaries in fact no illness or accident for that matter knows a boundary. We can't take our spouse for granted. My challenge for you, is to tell you husband that you love him, tell your wife that you love her. If you are letting the little stuff suck the life out of your relationship stop and refocus. That's my marriage advice for the day.
Hi again. I thought I would go back and re-visit a question I asked last time:
So how do you live when your timeline is short – measured in months?
I talked a bit before about how Carol felt but let me explore a bit more. How do live when someone tells you that you have a fatal disease and there is no effective treatment?
I know a lot more now about the cancer that invaded her. When we met with the Ocular Oncologist back in 2000, she asked: how come you were not being checked? Checked? Carol was born with some dark spots on her eyeball and sometimes had a bluish tinge around her eye. We learned this condition is called the Nevus of Ota. Check out a picture here – Carol’s left eye looked very similar. Ocular melanoma occurs in about 3-5 people per million; if you have the Nevus of Ota it occurs in about 1 per 100 or so. Who knew?
Normally after 5 years or so in remission patients are declared cancer free and any re-occurrence is then treated as a new cancer. Not so with ocular melanoma. Turns out that 50-80 percent of people will develop a metastasis – cancer spreading somewhere else - in their lifetime. Turns out that almost invariably it first re-occurs in the liver.
Turns out that the medical profession is way behind in its understanding of treatments for metastatic OM. I have since discovered that, while there is no cure, there are a number of treatments which can potentially extend ones life. I know of people 2+ years after diagnosis and still living very well. A couple of docs in the US specialize in treatments. Who knew?
Remember the verses (Ecclesiastes 5:18-20) that God gave us about the importance of Today? One day Carol turned to me and said that those verses weren’t working for her any more – she needed more hope.
My Mom gave us a book called “Cancer and the Lords Prayer” by Greg Anderson. He describes the power of this prayer of Jesus to heal our lives – from God’s perspective. Somehow this simple short book connected with Carol and brought her closer to her true Father and filled her with hope for each day. In fact, I still have on my fridge the copy of the Lord’s Prayer she printed out.
One day as we were driving she said, “I have never been able to picture heaven as a place I would want to go to – but yesterday God gave me a vision”. She described how she had this picture of this most beautiful trip – better than any we had taken – that she was going on. The trip was going from one beautiful place to another even more beautiful and it lasted forever. She said: “I can go to heaven if it’s a place like that”.
She (obviously) was filled with fear as well. She did not really talk with me about her fears that much. That was reserved for her very best friend Elaine – her friend since she was 15. I have discovered that there were lots of conversations about darkness and fear that I was unaware of.
One day Elaine woke up with a strong feeling that she should buy Carol a book. It was called “Hinds Feet on High Places”. It is the story of someone called Much-Afraid and her exciting journey to the High Places. Carol just ate this book up. She loved it and it just calmed her soul.
One of her fears was of pain. I know that she was afraid of what pain awaited her. Her true Father knew this too and he had a plan.
That comes next time. See you then.
Peter
We had a great vacation in 2006. We spent a week with friends in Kanasikis Country. I saw this t-shirt that just seemed to describe my life so I bought it – “Life is Good”. After that Carol and I headed for Glacier and Yellowstone National parks. Yellowstone is such a diverse and unique place.
On the way home Carol suddenly got this really high fever that lasted all day. We stopped in this small town for night and after a good nights sleep she felt much better. Hmmmm. She had developed a problem with acid reflux which had prevented her from singing - truly her physical gift. In the fall something just didn’t seem right and she eventually went to the doctor to get checked out. An ultra-sound was scheduled for after Christmas as the doc thought likely she was having gall bladder problems. She had another bought of high fever in January 07 that kept her from substitute teaching, it lasted a week or so – no reason found.
The night before the doctor was to review the results with her, Carol came to me and said look at this – showing me something on the web about possible causes of unexplained high fever – liver cancer. I put that out of my mind (well not really – how can you – but I tried). I came home early as her appointment was the last one of the day – my cell phone rang at 5 PM. It was Carol – she said: “Peter, it is the worst possible news – there are two tumours in my liver”. I hung up and shrieked at God – “What are you doing?! How am I supposed to live without her? I can’t do this!!” We just clung to each other when I got home. What now?
People generally wanted us to take the most optimistic option – preliminary results; don’t really know exactly what it is; stay positive. Somehow we both just knew. Six months earlier we had downed tools at church and walked away – asking God to give us a new direction. Now it had arrived. We both had the sense that God had other options in mind besides a miracle cure.
A biopsy confirmed that it was indeed Ocular Melanoma spread to her liver. The oncologist talked to us for 2 hours but basically said – go home, keep on taking Tylenol, come back when the pain gets too bad. OM metastasis has no standard treatment options that are at all effective.
So how do you live when your timeline is short – measured in months?
I was reading in Ecclesiastes at the time and had bumped across some verse that seemed to be God’s message for us. They are still on the fridge and taped to my monitor at work. Check them out – Ecclesiastes 5:18-20 – “Make the most of what God gives”. The key word is today. Each day is God’s special day.
Carol kept a journal and this is what she wrote on February 16, 2007.
God, when you start thinking you are going to die it bowls you over. Then another strange emotion which is unnamed takes over. Acceptance and? So I ask you to keep my mind in order. Keep it on the track of wisdom, keep me always aware that you are in charge and that’s a very good thing. I love you Father. I need you every step of the way.
We started doing things together. First up was a trip to Palm Springs with our friends.
Wow, we had a great time visiting and exploring. Here we are in Joshua Tree National Park.
Carol’s family came over to visit. This is Carol with her niece’s baby daughter. Two people. Two ends of life’s journey.
We got organized and took the whole family off to Hawaii. We had always planned to do that – always seemed off in the future.
This was, I think, one of my life’s highlights – Carol would agree.
Just a super time to spend with our family. We had rented a house right on the beach about 45 minutes out of Honolulu.
We could relax and eat together, sun bath on the beach or go sight seeing.
We went snorkelling, sailing, visited Pearl Harbour, Waikiki beach, Diamond Head, Banzai Pipeline (home of 70ft waves).
We took in a luau one evening – I think it was my birthday actually.
I think you will agree – not bad looking after 27+ years of marriage - don’t you think?!
God did something amazing on this trip actually. As we were flying Carol turned to me and said – this might be a big mistake – I am really uncomfortable.
The tumours in her liver caused pain and swelling and sitting too long was not pleasant. Our bed in Hawaii seemed way too hard.
The amazing thing? Every night in Hawaii? She slept like a log and had no discomfort or pain AT ALL!! She was able to do everything we all did except the hike up Diamond Head.
I think I will leave you here for today – see you soon.
A Changed Life
Twenty years actually goes by pretty fast. Those first twenty years of married life were about getting to know each other, starting and raising our family, getting tied up (or is it down?) with stuff like a mortgage, working like crazy, doing church stuff; Carol taught Sunday school, sang in the choir, we managed to become deacons, led a care group. Like I said last time, lots of time and energy doing things for the Father; not much time being with the Father.
Mark Buchanan in his book Your God is too Safe calls this living in the borderlands. Not really fully with the Father and not against him either (well at least not obviously). I think most of us fall into this place way too easily; it is such a comfortable place to be.
Change happened slowly and largely un-noticed (at least by me). You can see it on the chart from my previous entry. Something happened that has changed me forever. A couple of things actually. The first occurred when I took a position as our church leader (NO, not a pastor!). One of the Pastors asked how she could pray for me. I also started attending Saturday morning prayer times. Turns out this changed my life – somewhere along the way I fell in love with my Abba, my true Father.
Now that I think back on it – quite amazingly – Carol was going through the same experience. What a gift to a married couple to both be moving toward the Father – together!
Speaking of gifts, I now realize that we both received one. I was given the gift of being able to strongly relate to my Abba through worship. I get such strong messages from him by worshiping him – mostly through music but not always. I remember when it happened. We were having Thursday evening services during the summer (and we got the weekends free!) We had a visiting band playing. I remember the leader just inviting us to enter the Holy of Holies and worship. Something flung open in my heart and ever since – well if you see me, my eyes are closed and tears are flowing – don't be alarmed – just me and my Abba having a conversation.
I discovered after we got married that when Carol thought of her father she became anxious and was really unsure of her relationship with him. He had the power in her life to reduce her to tears by saying just a few words. Slowly, over the course of years together, we learned how to disconnect her father’s words from having that power in her life. She became able to see past the rough edges of her father’s personality and look deeper and see the love that was there all along.
After her Father died, Carol received her gift while we were visiting a church. A woman started describing the incredible love of the Father for his children. The true Father opened Carol’s heart and the incredible, hard to fully grasp, too good to be true but isn’t, the love of the true Father for her; just for her; poured into her. In the years that followed this love sustained her; drew her ever closer to her true Father and spilled out of her.
In her own words she described her life’s journey:
“I began a relationship that at times was close, many times distant and often confusing. I experienced many things that at times made me wonder how much I really wanted this relationship. I came to realize how much God actually loved me as I am. This realization gave me a joy and purpose in my life. My relationship with the God of creation is worth living for.”
One more thing happened. In July of 2000, Carol phoned me at work after a visit to her optometrist and said: there is a lump in my left eye. One week later we were in the office of an ocular oncologist who said: You have a malignant tumor about the size of the tip of my little finger in the lining in the back of your eye. A very rare form of skin cancer. Skin cancer – in your eye – who knew?!
There are a number of treatments; if your tumor is small enough they use radiation. Hers was, so one day she checked in the hospital for treatment. They took her eyeball out, sewed a radioactive disc to the back of eyeball – carefully aligned so it would radiate the tumor, put her eyeball back in and 24 hours later we came home. She lay on the couch for a week while the radiation did its thing, then back to the hospital to do the reverse. Simple, eh?
The radiation did its intended job of killing the tumor slowly – we went back every six months or so for a checkup – always a bit anxious – the news was always good, tumor dying, not much leakage. The radiation also had the side effect of largely killing her vision in her eye – she eventually was reduced to seeing around the edges and then mostly in black and white.
Life carried on and you know what, it got better. Let me tell you – being married to your beloved, your soul mate, it actually gets better.
This is a picture of our family on Erik’s wedding day – our 25th wedding anniversary year. No, you are not mistaken, a VERY good looking family – and this before digital cameras!
A couple of thoughts to leave you with:
1. When God comes calling, let him have his way. Borderland is not any way to live your whole life.
2. I never could have imagined back in July 1979 the depth and width and breadth that would make up being married to my beloved. Stay the course, IT GETS BETTER PEOPLE!
3. I believe in hope that every marriage can be rescued. That the Father can and will restore love even when it is lost.
See you next time.
My Normal Life
I am currently just short of 54 years old. I was married for 10,192 days, or 27 years, 10 months and 22 days – about 10,192 days too short in my view. I always knew my wife Carol. We grew up in the same small town, Yarrow, BC. There is a picture of us sitting side by side in Sunday school when we were 4 or 5 years old. Except for one year, we went to the same public and private schools thru graduation. We both graduated from UBC, Carol as a teacher in ‘79 and I in Engineering in ‘81.
We never really spent any time together until university days. Carol’s best friend married my best friend – both also from Yarrow. They arranged us spending time together and soon the sparks flew.I fell for Carol hard – I still remember lying on my bed in my dorm and feeling this flush come over me and realizing – I LOVE HER - and then feeling panic because that meant marriage and I wasn’t ready!
We must have been fast learners because we started dating in September ‘78 and by Christmas we KNEW. We got married on July 28 1979.
This is Carol’s UBC grad picture … my favorite early picture of her.
After I graduated from UBC we went off to Europe for what I thought was a vacation but Carol had a plan – her name turned out to be Rachel. After Erik then Kelly were born – 3 years, 3 kids – we put a stop to all that and began the life journey of being parents – what a pleasure that was. All three are now married – and NO, no grandkids (yet).
This is a picture of my family. Left to right is Holly & Erik (son), Conrad & Kelly (daughter), me, Rachel (daughter) & Chris. Yes you are right – a very good looking family.
I have worked in the software development field in positions of increasing responsibility for almost 30 years now. I can truly say that I love what I do. Most days, going to work is something that I enjoy.
My journey with my true Father began when I was very young – I think I was 6 or 7 years old and “gave my life to Jesus” at home after one of those fire and brimstone and “just as I am” evenings we used to have at church. Church was always part of my life growing up as was true for Carol. Looking back I think one of the reasons for the joy on earth that was our marriage was because we were similar in lots of ways including our spiritual journeys.This picture shows a graph of my passion for the true Father over the years. As you can see there was a flat line period. The jump came when I met Carol – on Christmas Eve ’78 I decided to say yes again to following Jesus. The next 20 or so years, well, there was lots of energy spent on doing things for the Father but not much energy being with the Father. That’s part of the next installment.
So what would you do if you could have your life to do over? You know, start again, a new beginning? From this period of my life I would:
Spend less time at work. Carol said she used to sit with the kids by the window and say “Daddy, we need you”, waiting for me to come home. Work matters, just less than we think.
There are a few arguments I wish I could replay. In ALL cases I was the stubborn ass. I wish I could have those back and say “I was wrong” … very powerful words, for men particularly I think.
Mostly, I imagine falling in love with my true Father much sooner.
See you next time.
Peter
Hi, my name is Peter Wolfe. I call Cindy my friend. I have known her (and Ben) since way back before there were twinkles in their eyes when they saw each other. Turns out I live beside Ben’s Dad – go figure. Cindy asked me to share my story with y’all – you need to ask her why. So here goes....
